A Dark Moon

well well, last night was a little ca ray zee.

first, in the afternoon, takami called me and told me she wanted to get a divorce because she had a fight with michael and he threw a chair. i tried to calm her down and explain they are both really stressed about the wedding.

then when coby and i were not invited on a drive with our friends (and coby's girlfriend), coby lost it downed about 6 bottles of sake in an hour, and tried to crack onto another japanese girl. he spent the rest of the night insulting everyone and had his girlfriend mayumi in tears. when i tried to comfort her and explain that he was just mad, but not at her, he told me to fuck off and leave his girlfriend alone.

needless to say he had some apologising to do today. he says he doesnt remember though.... excuses huh.

also shizuka dumped erik, which has been a long time coming, but i guess i wasnt really expecting it. she has been very cozy with a few of the new teachers recently. especially ben the past couple of nights, im pretty sure they hooked up last night. poor erik, when i called him and asked if he was ok, he wasnt even sure if she had broken up with him. of course the boys like ben who want to get into shizukas pants justify it by saying he shouldnt have moved away, and he shouldnt cheat on her all the time, but they dont know the whole story, and its only from louis' big mouth that she thinks he was cheating on her. he didnt (well, once).

all in all a very weird night, to-ing and fro-ing and arguments and abuse, and people hooking up...

Done

well, not long after my last post i actually got to say everything i had written down and now i feel a lot better. patricia agreed with everything that i said and said shes aware of all of those things she is just forgetful. i said knowing isnt enough, you need to do something about it. when she said it seems so silly because shampoo is not a precious commodity, i said no, but friendship and respect for other people is. its not about the fucking shampoo. its about the attitude that she would just use it anyway and wait to see if i had the nerve to say anything. crazy, anyway, i explained that i was going to just keep my mouth shut cos we didnt have much time left and this argument is exactly what i was trying to avoid, but she cant walk through life thinking that its ok to treat people like this.

anyway all is good now, and im so glad that i got to say it all to her. she has 2 girlfriends arriving today from texas -now that will be crazy.... big night tonight with karaoke etc.

i cant believe i only have 16 more working days, over 4.5 weeks left!!! crazy!

Get it Off My Chest

this is stewing, and im waiting for patricia to come home, but she isnt here and i need to go to work. her attitude is so very wrong. she has been using my shampoo/conditioner snice she moved in here (hers was nearly finished), ironically i was waiting for her to finish hers so that i could offer mine instead of her buying more. but no, she just goes ahead and uses it anyway. yesterday i finally asked her about it, and she laughed and said yes she had been using it and she was wondering how long it would take for me to say something. i said to her i would have offered when you ran out. why dont you use the ones that are in the cupboard? because she likes mine better -it has the olive in it.
what the???
so fucking what you like mine better? jesus. and how dare you say it all with the attitude that i am the one being selfish or childish if i have a problem with it.

this woman never does dishes, she has taken the rubbish out twice, she leaves her hair stuck all over the wall of the shower, she never vacuums or cleans the kitchen or the bathroom or toilet. if she did SOMETHING, i could accept it as consolation, but there is nothing.
and yes i should be saying this to her, but she isnt here.

Muzukashii

i have decided that wearing a kimono will be altogether too expensive difficult and uncomfortable. i went through my wardrobe today and found a suitable outfit for the big day which will generally make things much easier. if i was to wear a kimono it would take at least an hour and a half to get dressed. the ceremony is at 11.30 so that wouldnt leave me a lot of time to do hair and makeup etc etc..... crazy. nice idea though. however, i doubt i would have been able to eat anything at the reception with about 6 layers of material all strapped around my waist.

oh well, maybe one day i will get to wear the full get up.... just not a day where i have to actually DO something in it....

Just a Reminder

i love remembering that i am in japan. and that real japanese people do really japanese things. today i tried on a kimono that takamis mother might lend me to wear to takamis wedding. they have a huge chest of drawers in their bedroom filled with kimonos and all the accessories. it looks like hundreds of kimono but actually its only about 20 because there are so many layers to a full ensemble that there are about 4 packages per kimono. first there is the light cotton undershirt and wraparound skirt, then an under kimono, usually quite elaborate and beautiful in itself, then the actual kimono, then the obi (belt).
i am having a lot of trouble finding anything to wear in the normal shops so i may go for the traditional look, though it is very uncomfortable and there are so many layers that all get doubled up around the waist area, it isnt very flattering.
also tucked away in the terao kimono cupboard were the outfits takami and her brother koji wore when they were younger for girls (march 3) and boys (may 3) days. so cute, mini hakama (pants) and jacket type kimono, navy blue with a beautiful eagle design and the terao house symbol for koji, and a pink and white kimono with the same wagon motif as her mothers kimono for takami. the wagon is the emperors wagon and is a good luck symbol like the crane. crazily, all the kimonos they have have only been worn once or twice!
on friday takami and i will go to a rental shop to see what they have there and check out prices. oh, i will also have to pay to get someone to dress me in it....

At Last

so i did something constructive yesterday, i climbed a mountain. i am surprisingly not very sore today... maybe it will hit me tomorrow.
there is a mountain out my window, that is actually only a 10 minute walk from my apartment, and a pretty heavy going hour or so hike up to the top. well, actually if you have a tricksy guide like we did, we never seemed to reach the top, there was always one more hike that would take us just a little bit higher.... but i did it all, and when i got to the (actual) top i met this fabulous 70 year old nana. though i dont think she had hiked from all the way at the bottom.... there is a road that goes to halfway and then 2/3rds of the way. but still very impressive.

the weather was nice enough today for me to wash my sheets and get them dry in one day. finally.

i tried on some dresses today as i need to find a wedding outfit. i am so fat. oops. oh well. more climbing mountains hey?

Rebirthing?

i really dont think i need to say anything about this picture, though maybe i should mention the poor boy whose shoulders got stuck trying to get out, and had to have his mum grab him by the head and pull.
forceps delivery.

Who Am I Trying to Kid?

im not really that happy with myself. everytime i drink when im premenstrual i end up bawling my eyes out. theres always something that reminds me just how far i am from the person i want to be, but i dont know how to get there. last night i got all paranoid that the guys i was out with were talking about me. but its only because i feel like such a slut right now that i assume thats what other people are saying about me. i stormed out of lintons apartment and then when coby followed me i started crying about all sorts of stuff, of course they werent whispering about me at all, they were whispering about brads sister. so then i feel even worse because now i look such a self centred tool. when linton wanted to stay with me i said fine. and then started bawling my eyes out again. i just wish he could have done what he said and just held me instead of talking non-stop with the: can i just hold you, is that ok, you can tell me whats wrong, i know im only young and i wont understand, im just stupid, and can i just hold you like this is that ok? of course he isnt just holding me, he keeps trying it on. fuckin hell. meanwhile i cant even breathe cos crying has my nose completely blocked up.
what a night.

Simpsons and Self-pity

today was a bad day. while the latest season of the simpsons is proving to be quite funny, today was (is?) still a bad day. but like all things when you really need them, my friend jane popped online this morning, so i got to have a nice chat.

i will now return to 'wallowing in my self-loathing: Act II'

Tryhard

i try too hard. just toooooo much.

according to ben, according to patricia.

so she doesnt try at all. in fact accidentally gets to go home with him and shag him. while i, on the other hand, wander the streets looking for my bicycle. and the next day all she says is, -yeah i just asked him for a bite of his burrito, and then i thought hey your cute.

A Hanami Afternoon

thanks to the wonderful program pixaround, i can give you an idea of the roof i had this afternoon.
use a little imagination, on the right and left hand sides are the tops of the trees either side of me...

then looking toward my feet and a little to the left.....

hmmm, maybe doesnt show up quite as well as i would like on the old blogger.... but if you click on the pic youll get a better idea.

Well... Its Here

i went up to the castle today to try and meditate on my unfortunate behavior last night (really, no more drinking for me). quite a few folks milling around and picnicing under the cherry blossoms. there is not a huge amount of cherry trees at fukuyama castle, and they arent in full bloom yet, but it still looks pretty good.

Chill the Fuck Out

so i send this email home, with basically everything in my last post and i get all these crazy replies about having lost my soul, and life is more than stumbling around in a drunken stupor. jesus christ. what is wrong with these people? firstly, dont they realise that perhaps i take a little literary license to spice up my emails, make them a little funnier or more entertaining? secondly, im in crazy fuck off japan where there really is nothing else to do but drink and if you think im missing out on the culture, think again. that is the culture here, that is what families do together at holidays and festivals, that is what bosses and colleagues do to bond.

anyway, i know i went a little off the deep end last week, so yes i am taking it easy. i have been sober for 3 nights now, and plan on remaining that way for the rest of the week. well, until wednesday anyway.... but even then i will take it easy.

so my dearest beloved ones - Chill The Fuck Out.

Hanami

spring is almost here -its pretty exciting. the castle has pretty paper lanterns strung up everywhere in anticipation of hanami, the cherry blossom festival. it could start at any minute, just waiting for the cherry blossoms! once it starts everyone goes and sits under the trees on blankets and drinks sake all day. some people go from 6am just to get good spots. it doesnt last very long, just a few days i think, then all the blossoms fall off. though that is part of the celebration, letting go and welcoming change. apparently the blossoms should have come out this weekend, but it got kind of cold again. its around 20 every day this week, so they should start any minute....

i changed the dates on my ticket back from canada so that i can have a week in texas with p. cant wait -so much fun...

so we had another teacher arrive yesterday, a transfer from himeji, ben. very nice guy. and i mean very nice. hung out with him today and talked for ages about all sorts of good stuff. books and films. seemed to have a lot in common. though i dont hold out a lot of hope as he has just gotten out of a psycho relationship (hence the move to fukuyama), that he has been in pretty much his whole time here, so i imagine he will have some catching up to do in the jgirl stakes. he did mention he was surprised at how all the guys have student girlfriends as at his school everyone actually followed the rules, so maybe that hampered any desires he may have had to go there.

anyway, the next new teacher arrives on wednesday, so i am trying to remain sober until then. so far so good....

p.s. no word from atsushi. though im pretty sure p and i paid him a visit on friday night and probably lowered my chances even more....

Come Uppance

so it finally happened. that dreaded phone call from a staff member politely asking you where you are, and why youre not at work. i completely forgot i had agreed to work an early shift, instead of a late today, and was sound asleep in bed when the bell rang for my first lesson. unfortunately i was also still drunk by the time i got to work to start a lesson later at 10.50. in fact, coby and his students had the misfortune of being in the classroom next to the toilets and could hear me throwing up. i finally sobered up at around 2pm probably during one of my kids classes. teaching a bunch of 4-8 year olds for 2 hours is not the best fun on a serious alcohol comedown. "how are you today?" "im happy, im great, im thirsty, im hungover!"

i really need a break for a while now. have been just a little too crazy lately. have almost ruined my nice work pants...... keep falling over in them, plus dribbled yakitori sauce down them the other night. didnt notice til i went to iron them, and saw that it hadnt come out in the wash.

that same night, i lost 2 hours. i think i left them at veni veni. from 2 hours, i have a total memory of about 3 minutes, in 5-10 second clips. seriously there are photos of me -proof that i was sitting there in that place- and they do not do a thing to jog my memory. this has only happened to me once before. scary. i do remember after veni veni though, and spending another hour or so in the toilet at mondo with the crazy girl mio. that was definitely fun, but i was so very drunk she couldnt have enjoyed it that much....